How to Have the "What Are We?" Conversation

When is the right time to talk about it?

This is the moment for the "What Are We?" conversation, often called the DTR talk- Define The Relationship. It can feel scary. Maybe you worry about scaring them off, or about hearing an answer you don't want. But clarity is kind. Having this talk is about respecting yourself and the time you're investing. It's about making sure you're both on the same page, or finding out if you're not.

There isn't a magic number of dates or weeks. The right time is when you feel a steady connection and want to know where things stand. It's when your feelings have grown past casual dating. You might be spending a lot of time together. You might be meeting each other's friends or family. You might be making plans for the future, even small ones.

If you're starting to feel confused, anxious, or unsure about your place in their life, that's a sign. If you find yourself wondering what to call them to others, it's time. Sometimes, people get stuck in what social media calls a situationship- a relationship without a label or clear direction. This can be draining. You deserve to know if you're building towards something real or just passing time.

Here are some signs it might be time:

• You've been seeing each other regularly for a few weeks or months.
• You feel a strong emotional connection.
• You're exclusive, but it hasn't been said out loud.
• You're thinking about your future with them in it.
• You feel anxious or uncertain about the relationship's status.

Don't wait until you're feeling desperate or resentful. Bring it up when you're calm and clear-headed. This helps you both have a better conversation.

Get clear on what you want

Before you talk to them, talk to yourself. What does defining the relationship mean to you? Do you want to be exclusive? Do you want to call them your boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner? Are you looking for a long-term commitment, or just clarity about being a couple?

Think about what you're willing to accept and what you're not. Knowing your boundaries ahead of time will give you strength during the conversation. For example, if you want exclusivity, are you okay with them saying they need more time to think about it, or is that a deal-breaker? It's okay to have high standards for how you want to be treated and what kind of relationship you want. You are setting the stage for your future happiness.

Consider these questions to help you clarify your desires:

• What title, if any, do I want us to use?
• What level of commitment am I looking for right now?
• Do I want us to be exclusive, meaning not seeing other people?
• What does a healthy, defined relationship look like to me?
• What are my non-negotiables in a partnership?

You can even brainstorm some questions for couples to help you think about your shared future. The more you understand your own needs, the better you can communicate them.

How to start the conversation

Choose the right time and place. Pick a moment when you're both relaxed and not distracted. Avoid bringing it up during a fight, right before work, or when you're tired. A quiet dinner at home, a walk in the park, or a relaxed evening together can work well. Make sure you have enough time to talk things through without feeling rushed. This isn't a quick chat, but a meaningful discussion.

Start gently. You don't want to make it sound like an interrogation. Use a soft opening to ease into the topic. Here are a few ways you can begin:

• "I've really enjoyed getting to know you and spending time together. I'm wondering how you see us."
• "I feel like we have something special, and I'm curious about where this is going for you."
• "I've been thinking about us, and I wanted to talk about what we are to each other."
• "I really value what we have, and I'd like to talk about defining our relationship."

The goal is to open a door for discussion, not to make demands. Your tone should be calm and open, not accusatory or anxious. Remember, you're looking for clarity, not trying to force a specific outcome. Be ready for any answer, even if it's not the one you hope for. The bravery is in asking the question.

What to say and what to avoid

When you talk, use "I" statements. Focus on your feelings and needs, not on what they are or aren't doing. For example, instead of saying, "You never tell me what we are," try, "I feel unsure about our status, and I'd like to understand where we stand." This keeps the conversation from becoming a blame game. Be honest about what you want and why it matters to you.

Listen actively to their response. Let them speak without interruption. Try to understand their perspective, even if it's different from yours. This isn't about winning an argument; it's about understanding each other. Ask open-ended questions that invite them to share their thoughts, like, "How do you feel about us?" or "What are your hopes for our relationship?"

Avoid making threats or giving ultimatums unless you are truly ready to walk away. Saying, "If you don't make us official, I'm leaving" can put someone on the defensive. It's better to state your needs clearly and then decide what to do based on their response. Also, avoid bringing up past relationships or comparing them to others. This conversation is about you two.

Be aware of any red flags in a relationship that might come up during this talk. If they get angry, shut down completely, or try to turn the conversation around on you, that's important information. A healthy partner will engage with you respectfully, even if they're not ready for the same things you are.

Handling different answers

You might get different kinds of answers. Each one needs a different approach. If they say they want the same thing as you- great! Celebrate that clarity. Talk about what being a couple means to both of you. Discuss next steps, like telling friends or making future plans. This is a happy moment, and you should enjoy it.

What if they say they need more time? This can be frustrating. Ask them what "more time" means. Is it a few weeks, or open-ended? If they can't give a clear timeline, or if they've already said this multiple times, it might be a way to avoid commitment. You need to decide if you're willing to wait, and for how long. It's okay to say, "I understand, but I need a clear path forward. Let's revisit this in two weeks."

If they give an unclear answer, deflect, or try to change the subject, pay attention. This might be a sign they don't want to define things, or they're not serious. Sometimes, people engage in breadcrumbing- giving just enough attention to keep you interested without committing. If you get a non-answer, gently bring them back to the point. "I appreciate your honesty, but I'm looking for a clearer answer about our relationship status."

• Signs of an unclear or avoidant answer:
• They change the subject.
• They say they "don't like labels."
• They blame you for bringing it up.
• They say they're "not ready" but don't explain why or for how long.
• They make you feel silly for asking.

If they say they don't want a relationship with you, it will hurt. But it's better to know. Thank them for their honesty and respect their decision. Then, focus on taking care of yourself.

Why waiting rarely helps

It's natural to want to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. You might think, "If I just wait, maybe they'll bring it up." Or, "Maybe their feelings will change." But waiting rarely makes things better. In most cases, it just prolongs your uncertainty and anxiety. The person who isn't ready to define the relationship today is unlikely to suddenly be ready next month just because you waited.

Often, waiting can lead to more pain. You invest more time, more emotion, and more of yourself into a situation that isn't giving you what you need. This can lead to feelings of resentment or being taken for granted. You might miss out on other opportunities for a fulfilling relationship because you're stuck in an undefined one. Your self-worth can take a hit when you feel like you're constantly waiting for someone else to decide your value.

Think about it this way- if someone truly wants to be with you, they will make it clear. They won't leave you guessing. If they are happy to keep things undefined, it's often because that suits their needs, not necessarily yours. You deserve someone who is excited and clear about being with you.

Sometimes, waiting too long can even lead to more painful outcomes, like them suddenly disappearing- a behavior known as ghosting. By having the conversation, you take control. You gain clarity, even if the answer isn't what you hoped for. This allows you to either move forward together or move on to find a relationship that meets your needs.

Moving forward after the "What Are We?" talk

No matter the outcome, you did a brave thing. You stood up for your needs and asked for clarity. That is a win in itself. If the conversation goes well and you both agree to be in a defined relationship, fantastic! Enjoy this new chapter. Talk about what being a couple means to both of you. What are your expectations? How will you show up for each other? This is the start of building something solid.

If the answer wasn't what you hoped for, it's okay to feel sad, angry, or disappointed. Allow yourself to feel those emotions. It's a loss, and you need to grieve it. But remember, a clear "no" is better than a confusing "maybe." It frees you up to find someone who does want the same things as you. It means you can start the process of moving on and healing.

Focus on self-care. Lean on your friends and family. Engage in hobbies you love. Remind yourself that you are worthy of a clear, loving, and committed relationship. This conversation is about respecting your own time and feelings. It's about making sure you are in a situation that makes you happy and secure. Whatever the result, you gained valuable information. You now know where you stand, and that knowledge is powerful. Use it to guide your next steps towards a relationship that truly serves you.

DTR Talk- Do's and Don'ts

Practical Tips

In Short

The "What Are We?" conversation gives you clarity about your relationship. Choose a calm time, know what you want, and use "I" statements. Be ready for any answer. Getting a clear response, even if it hurts, is better than staying in a confusing situation. You deserve to know where you stand.

Frequently Asked Questions